For a man... MY man

(Yeah, this happened a lot of days back but I’m penning it down today cause my writings had taken a beating due to what was going on in my personal sphere. Now after the wind has passed and the dust has settled in a fashion I highly favour… the pen was bound to come out soon).

The incident happened on a perfectly chirpy day when the air deceits you into believing that all would turn out to be fine. Here’s a glimpse into what happened:

It did taste like salt. It was rolling all down my wretched face. Not over a man. I have taken away the journey I had given him. I wiped my moist cheeks not knowing when it will flow over again. I offered him pain when I had nothing to give. It drips again, my thumb brushes it aside. I let him suffer for what I had done. Not a clown anymore? No, I doubt if I had ever been one. The eyes, they keep shrinking, pressing it out. I have not been living by any moral standards, not by any ideals. If it has hurt someone so much, I doubt if I have ever been living. I cannot see, they are standing right on the edges of my eyelashes, forming spheres, I see them now, right now. Not long time ago, I hurt someone, I did not know then. I guess I am capable of it, I believe so now. They do not need anyone's help, not mine anyways. I could see his face when he said "Kutti! Stop it. The game is over now". I had killed everything that had come into existence from the day we met 17 years ago. For some time my cheeks have been dry. I have given him nights of agony. How will I ever forgive myself? I have sinned. So it is me, as empty as that. So it is my self and I cannot even ask for forgiveness, for it is only for those who repent their sins. I do not even know mine. I am just the same ordinary 'gal' .I do not live by any codes, I have none at all. I have proved him wrong. I think that is it. It’s cold! What can I do, to set it straight? Just keep it shut and no one ever shall feel any better.

I swear by the man I love. I never meant to hurt anyone. When I cry, it is not for my wound but for his. I was there, wasn't I? Didn't I always fool around? I want everyone to laugh. Everyone knows that! Was it a crime? he said so, I believe him, and he hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise. I never thought I could hurt anyone so bad. He wanted it to end; I told him I won't shed a drop. This way, I wailed all night. No one has seen me so unarmed. I refuse to use stronger words. Could I be capable of such an act? Could I repel someone so much? I am blinded, I cannot see the guilt.

All this for someone I have seen and talked to. I shudder to think of Him. What if I hurt or give him more pain? How can I bare to see him cry? Tears in those eyes, I will want to tear myself apart. He, of all persons should be laughing and smiling, with the sun beating on his silver hair. I did not know the reason or didn't have one. Now I know why I stopped myself. I shall let him go, not me, not this cold-hearted bitch.

I shall go to sleep; I shall clutch my blankets hard. Something I can hold on to. May be I'll get up tomorrow and all this shall be a dream. I know it is reality. But I cannot help thinking it is just me. Thus, I shall stand alone. I shall leave everyone to mend their own walls. But why stand at all, for you are hurting the legs?