Letting Go

Anna sat in an inconspicuous corner of the marriage hall. She didn’t want to be part of the throng that had come to make merry at Sridhar’s wedding. She felt nauseated and wretched. The setting is almost perfect, she thought with a twisted smile on her face, the wedding looks exactly the way we had planned it. The hall, the décor, the number of guests, the arrangements…except that it wasn’t their wedding. It was Sridhar’s wedding. His alone. Her jaw clenched at the thought and she struggled to maintain her composure.

Anna watched the guests arrive in batches, garish raucous people, all bent upon being the life of the party. Each group brought big boxes wrapped in gay wrapping papers and tucked safely under the armpit of a gentleman or resting on the hip of an elderly lady. They would enter the hall, look around at the hall appreciatively, seek familiar faces in the crowd and hurry to sit beside their friends, if they found any. From then on, it was non stop chatter. They would exchange quick pleasantries and talk about how long it had been since they met. Anna watched as kids were subjected to a lot of cheek pinching, hair ruffling routine. “Don’t you remember Rakesh Mama???” the lady in front of her screeched at her reticent daughter. “How would she? She was this little when I saw her last,” said Rakesh Mama, gesturing to his knee to indicate her height then. The child managed a forced smile and squirmed. Anna smiled at the girl sympathetically.

After a point, when they ran out of things to say about each other’s lives, the ladies would slowly look around the hall at all the other guests. When their eyes fell on Anna, they’d stop and stare openly. Who was she? Who had invited her? Couldn’t the girl wear traditional clothes to a wedding, for God’s sake? “But wait, what if she is a Christian?”, one of them said in an audible whisper. Anna turned to look at the source, only to have them hurriedly look away.

That had been the trouble all along, Anna thought, her lips pressed into a thin line of anger and frustration. If she whad been a Hindu like Sridhar, this would have been her wedding too and Sridhar and she would have been man and wife at the end of the ceremony. She wasn’t ashamed to be Catholic, neither was she proud. Religion wasn’t something she had earned for herself. It was merely passed down by her ancestors. In being associated with them, she was also considered one of them. But she didn’t practice the tenets of any religion. Religion only divides and destroys, these days, she thought bitterly. Instead of using it as a reason to show gratitude to the creator and bond with other living beings, people used it to discriminate, to exclude. She refused to let herself belong to any religious group. Sridhar and she had believed in spirituality above everything else.

They were perfect for each other in more than one way. They shared similar interests and core values. Many an afternoon was spent in each other’s company, sharing the past and making plans for the future. “Three daughters. That’s all I ask”, he had said laughingly. She had laughed along with him and demanded to know if he thought of her as a baby-vending machine.

Music fuelled their love for each other. It also formed the basis of their relationship. The blood of creativity flowed in both their veins. They didn’t find it hard to understand the way the other thought. There were the odd disagreements and arguments but they were always settled quickly. Sometimes it seemed to them as if they completed each other and together made a brilliant, dazzling force of love and energy. “I’m happiest when I’m with you and there’s no one else I’d rather be with”, he’d say beaming at her.

The guests’ collectively uttered “ooh”s snapped Anna out of her reverie. She turned around to see what the garrulous ladies were admiring. It was Sridhar. Sridhar all dressed up as a bridegroom. How handsome he looks, thought Anna, her breath catching in her throat. Dignified, composed and almost regal. A heavy pallor of sadness fell over Anna’s countenance.

Sridhar was slowly led to the decorated pandal. Anna noticed that he wasn’t smiling. His eyes were downcast. Suddenly, as if some thought had struck him, he looked up and looked right at Anna. He wore a pained look. She knew that he could read her mind and that he was making his silent apologies across the hall.

“I’m sorry Anna. I don’t see any other way to work around this. I’m helpless. I feel handicapped, crippled. I’m really sorry”, he’d said over and over again on that day when they parted. She’d sobbed in public, unable to hold back her anguish. Words that he uttered tumbled into her consciousness but didn’t make any sense. She couldn’t comprehend why he was leaving her. Couldn’t understand why he was letting go without even trying. She knew that it would be a tough battle to convince both sets of parents but she felt it was sacrilege to throw it away without even trying. He, on the other hand, had written off their chances of being together and refused to create opportunities to hurt themselves in future. But can’t you see that you’re hurting both of us right now, a voice screamed within her. It seemed to her as if practicality was something she wasn’t capable of. She felt the despondency of a child clinging to her father’s legs and begging him not to go.

It had taken her ages to steer herself away from the verge of insanity. They kept in touch afterwards. They couldn’t afford not to. Other than being lovers, they had been best friends, soulmates. She always considered him her mentor and he’d jokingly called her his muse. Cutting each other off totally would’ve meant an unprecendented loss to both of them.

So the mentor and his muse sat in opposite corners of the wedding hall, speaking the language of unspoken words. Soon the bride arrived. Bedecked in jewellery and flowers, she was a picture of perfection. Anna felt a vise-like grip constrict her chest when the bride glanced at Sridhar coyly after being seated next to him. Her face was aglow with the excitement of being married. The rituals started and Anna watched, hardly breathing. With every promise that Sridhar made to his bride, Anna heard the ghosts of their former selves and the promises they had made to each other.

“I’ll never let you down Sridhar. You’re much too important.”

“I could never fall out of love with you. You’re my better half, Anna”

As the ceremony continued, the blood slowly drained from Anna’s face. She knew in her heart what it cost him to agree to and go through this wedding. But there was no other way. His parents had gotten hysterical and employed the all too effective emotional blackmail to make him agree to this wedding. They now stood beside the bridal couple, proud and happy. Anna felt resentment building up inside her.

Mercifully, the wedding was over after another hour of torture. The couple now stood, greeting guests as man and wife and accepting their blessings and wishes. Anna stood watching quietly till she caught his eye. As they gazed at each other for one long, last moment, they bid adieu silently. Anna smiled at him sadly and turned to leave before her self control caved in.

Sridhar watched her turn and felt her tears burn in his eyes. He stood immobile and helpless as his soulmate walked away and disappeared into the crowd. He desperately hoped that his life be taken that minute. Instead he felt his wife’s hand on his arm and turned to see expectant eyes shining with love and respect.